A MOTHERS LOVE (MY BLOG IS UNDER THE PICTURES)

Have you ever heard... "Wait til you have kids, then you'll know"? Cause I've heard it before, I just didnt quite understand nor did I want to belong to the club. I thought about this the other night while rocking my son to sleep. People who dont have kids cant possibly know what a parent feels. Now that I do understand, Im still not sure if I want to belong to the club. Loving someone this much is frightening.
And in retrospect, Ive never truly done it before. Its not that I havent always envisoined how it shuold be-pure, unconditional, eternal-because I have, and Ive had love in my life. Reality, though, is not always so kind. Relationships dont always work out, and after enough time and enough disappointment you learn, perhaps even unknowingly, to just give a part of yourself instead of the whole. that way when the ending inevitably comes, you'e got something left.

Then you make this little human being and bring it into this world, and maybe for a few weeks you can keep your distance because after all , you're just gettting to know eachother. But slowly, slowly you start giving away pieces of your heart that you have forgotten existed, until one day you realize you couldnt survive if something happened to him. And you understand.

And its not even just the thought of losing him. Its watching him change before your very eyes, knowing somewhere the acknowledgment of how fast hes growing wont slow down the time. Knowing that pictures of just yesterday can make you weep and long to go back. Knowing that the little sleepers he's already outgrown will forever represent an idyllic period of his life which you can never return.

Its calling the doctor in the middle of the night because hes not breathing right, terrified of what you did wrong. Its be guilt of feeling responsidble every time he cries when you dont know why. Its the sleepless nights holding hiim so tight because comforting him, sometiimes, is all you can do. Its checking on him every five minutes to make sure hes till breathing in his crib.

Its the need to protect him at all costs and kowing that you simply cant. Its the overwhelming sadness that someday hes going to walk out the door and you wont be there to save him from lies cruelties- the hurt and grief and pain which you cant even protect yourself from.

Its trying to memorize every pout, each gentle sigh, how he holds his tiny hands in front of his face in such complete awe, the bashful way he looks at you and smiles and burrows into your shoulder to sleep. Its knowing with kind of bittersweet ache that these moments are as fleeting as snowflakes on his little cheeck. Its knowing that for the first time in your life you simply dont care about you, that nothing is more important than his health and happiness. Its knowing that you could give your own life, never to see or hold again if it could guarentee his own. Its konwing the meaning of true love, and fearing that it will be taken from you.

I once heard that having a child was the hardest thing anyone could ever do, but I now I understand that they were wrong.

Loving him is.

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Comment by Tzarini on August 24, 2008 at 9:11am: AW thats beautiful
ur a really great mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Clariee on July 2, 2008 at 5:35pm: that was really good i heard that before to my mom tell it to me all the time but she dont really care bout me at all she lyk deserted me my h*** life she dont kno me or anything and she yells all the time

ur kids r so lucky to have a mom lyk u...u care so much bout them and its really good i wish my mom was lyk u then maybe i wouldnt run away all the time.....ur so lucky ur boys r so cute and ur really pretty to =) ur really lucky with ur family im glad someone people have a good home